Looking for a mentor?

In a recent article for ‘The Shaker‘ I wrote about the idea of ‘rethinking mentoring‘.

Central to the idea is the use of books. Looking through my current audio book history, I 20 different books by 13 different authors. All of which I would consider are my mentors, the content varies from personal development, to leadership, marketing, sales training and understanding my ego.

The reason I consider these authors my mentors can be found in the definition. Mentor – ‘an experienced and trusted adviser’.

I currently don’t have direct access to Gary Vee or Seth Godin, in the absence of this I can read any of their books. In doing this I can get insight into what they think is important, how they suggest I can execute on their suggestions and in general become a better version of my self by learning from an experienced and trusted advisor.

So if you are looking for a mentor, but don’t know where to look, start with a book!

Rock and Roll

Rob

PS. What’s the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

Thanks a lot Qantas!

Don’t you hate it when you are on a plane, seated in your seat and some person puts their arse right on you. WTF!

It happened to me a couple of days ago and all I can think to my self is, pay attention to what is going around you.

I want my flight without arse in my face, arse face. 

Of course, being obsessed with PD, it makes me think about awareness and how so many people are completely unaware of their environment, what’s happening around them and what impact they have on others. 

Part of me just wants to yell in their face and tell them to get stuffed. Then, there is  another part of me that wonders, why do they have no idea? What is their perspective?

The long way the way to do this is through a technique called perceptual positions, which is about seeing things from three perspectives. Yours, theirs and an observers. 

The short way is to separate you from the equation and to pretend you are them? 

Simply put, imagine stepping into their shoes and:

  • see what they see, 
  • hear what they hear, and 
  • feel what they feel. 

What were they doing right in the moment that they messed with you?
Answer that then you will truly be on the path to understanding others perspectives. 

But let’s say someone reading this calls “bullshit”.
Let’s think about why I ended up with arse in my face? 

The passenger was making room for the people sitting next to him, he was focusing on removing his jacket while making polite conversation. He had no idea he was placing his butt on me. Do I still think, get stuffed? A little bit, but when I get over my BS I can see it was just a mistake. 

What have you been unaware of recently? Have you jumped to any conclusions?

Rock and Roll 

Rob

P.S. Whats the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

I hate you and this program!

I use to be a trainer for an IT program, not just any, but a really boring one. The sort of thing that people hated to use. 

On top of it being boring, people were forced to attend training, which had them even more excited to be there. 

This one time, a trainee rocked up, looked me right in the face and said “I fucking hate you and I hate this program“.

At this stage in my career I had completed my NLP presentation and platform skills training and I had become pretty good a crating rapport, even so, about a million thoughts went through my mind in that second. All I could muster was “welcome” with a smile of course. 

Over the course of the day it became clear this bloke had been forced to show up, had not been told why, in general had never really had success with computers and had only heard bad things about the software. By realizing these things, over about 6 hours I was able to explain the ‘why’, gave him some easy tips on how to be successful with a computer and demonstrated the benefits of the system. 

In life, people are going to show up in front of you that don’t know who you are and what you are about, they will have their preconceptions and beliefs that you cannot do anything about. What you can do is be open, honest, hear what’s happening for them and try your best to help. Building rapport can help too, but just doing those things will get you a long way…..

Unlike telling them ‘not to fuck with you’…. don’t do that one, it doesn’t work. 

Rock and Roll 

Rob

PS. What’s the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

Are you, you?

I just got on a jet in Tasmania and saw a face that I had not seen in years. It belonged to a bloke I had worked with as a mentor. 

Now he was 100% sure that he was going to work in the medical industry….. but here he was, a hugely confident team leader on my flight. 

So I have to wonder, how many people state what they want as a matter of fact. But then end up doing something completely different?

Or, is the problem we, or more specifically I, believe what will give us purpose is the job we do or the industry we are in. Maybe I’m missing the point?

I wonder if, to live our purpose, the best approach is to not worry about the industry you make the difference in is. Maybe what you are here on this earth to do is to bring the person you are in every moment, regardless of industry. 

So for me, the question I ponder now is not how to find my purpose and live it, but how do I make sure I am able to let 100% of my personality out every day. How am I able to be me, regardless of the situation I’m in?

So I ask you.

Are you, you 100% of the time?

Rock and Roll

Rob

PS. Whats the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

So Fu*+ing What?

I want to do what ever I can to help you get what you want. 

My goal is to help you understand what you want, define it and demonstrate how it differs from what you have been asking for.  

I want to teach you how to hear what people are truly saying, read what they are not, show you how to better understand others, how to communicate your desires to anyone, how to build strong connections with people, understand your self better, understand your helpful and hindering strategies, and help you build psychological resources that increase your probability of success.

I care about the people looking for answers and want to figure them selves out. 

I see my self as a part of the Personal Development movement, probably not Tony Robbins or Zig Ziglar, but a part of it.

I want to make sure every person searching for help will find the answers they seek. 

I want to keep sharing with you the books, gurus, activities and tools that have helped me achieve success and help me understand who I am. 

Simply put, I want everyone to have success and help them get there. 

So who do I think you are? 

Who am I talking about? 

Who do I want to talk with?

I want to talk with you and I think you are curious, you want to know what makes you, you,you want something more from life than a 9-5 job, you believe you are destined to make a difference, you desperately want to understand what that is, and you want to live it daily. 

I believe you are frustrated with speaking and not being heard, frustrated with people in general, frustrated with their reactions to the world around them and to you.

I think you walk through book stores waiting for ‘that book’ to jump out at you, the one that will give you the answers you are looking for. 

You follow Gary Vee (http://instagram.com/garyvee), Seth Godin (http://www.sethgodin.com/sg), Grant Cardone (https://grantcardone.com) and (insert every other inspirational person here) on Facebook/twitter/Instagram etc and love hearing what he/she/they have to say and at the same time you hate them a little bit and they annoy you, and there are 20 other people like them that inspire you to be a better you, but it still hasn’t clicked for you, yet. 

You were, are or have been looking for love and want to have a family and at the same time you get lost in social media, news, videos, Netflix, drinking, talking shit and all those other distractions. 

And every now and again you wake up and ask what you are doing with your life. 

Some times you are jealous of the success your peers have and you think you would find happiness if you had their job, partner or pay.

Ultimately I believe you are searching for your purpose and for something that will give your life meaning. 

The reason I know you think these things, is because I think and I believe them. 

And I know I am not some special and unique individual that is alone in my thinking. 

Though my experiences might be different to yours, I am still a human being just like you. 

So what, who the fuck am I?

Most importantly I am a husband and I am a father. 

I found the love of my life and we made a mother fucking human and it is the best thing I have ever done. 

I am obsessed with making sure I leave my human imprinted with my values, ideals, beliefs and strategies (at least the good ones). 

I want her to learn how to be a good human, how to ad value to the world and make a positive difference in the world. 

I want to die having left her lots of money, property, intellectual property that turns a profit, books, businesses and anything else that can fund her dreams. 

And I want her to not need it. 

I hope what I leave behind gives her everything her kids need to have success and that this lasts for every generation after her. 

Next, I identify my self as an entrepreneur by night and a business analyst by day.

I love working with people, love teaching people, helping people, basically anything to do with people. 

I have spend thousands and thousands of dollars studying body language, 

micro expressions, neuro linguistic programming (NLP), hypnosis, marketing, business, project management, and 

basically anything that has anything to do with all of that. 

Plus I read and read and read a lot!

I have run seminars for 5 – 150 people, teaching anything from communication styles (https://robertway.com.au/2015/11/05/vak-observation-activity/) to change management (https://robertway.com.au/2017/03/20/4matt-of-change/).

But again, so fucking what, what do I believe?!

I believe, like you, in searching for my purpose. 

I believe in making a difference in the world, that we all have something unique and valuable to give, that we should spend our entire lives trying to figure out what our purpose is and live it daily.

I believe connections with people matter and

that we all should put time into connecting with people like us (not everyone ever).

I believe we all should get everything that we want out of life, which is what I want to help you with, here and more.

Now I have been writing this while flying to Tasmania. 

I find my self in this moment, not knowing how to finish this rant, that was suppose to be one paragraph.

All I can think of is Woddy Harrelson in Zombieland (https://g.co/kgs/CfHn97) and how he said goodbye……. “that will do pig, that will do”.

Rock and Roll

Rob

What’s the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

Change, Steps to take when a person doesn’t want to change

People don’t want to change.

We get wedded to doing things in a certain way and we want to keep doing it that way. And more times than not, the reason people resist, is because they haven’t been asked about the change and they don’t feel heard when asked.

So if you are working with someone that does not want to change , there are a few things you can try. Before you consider parting ways, which might be the right thing to do in the end.

Step 1: Ask

What is the issue

What do they want

Step 2: Listen

What do they say

Does it still enable the outcome of the change or block it

Step 3: Validate What you heard

Repeat what you heard

Make sure they agree you have understood them

Step 4: Provide Options 

Offer the person access to:

  • A new teams
  • A new roles
  • Training
  • Personal Leave
  • A mentor

 

Step 5: Ask if they want to leave

And let them if they want to.

If you have done everything in your power to help someone get on board and they decide that is not for them, the damage a person like that can do to change in an organisation is far greater then the cost of a redundancy.

Rock and Roll

Rob

P.S. What’s the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

 

Change, tips for resolving resistance and conflict

I am going to assume you have been following my blogs on change to date, which means you know the answer to the 4matt of change, you know your outcome, you know the rub points, you have been able to answer what you are moving towards and away from and you have clearly communicated all these things to your team. Even with all this preparation, you are still hitting blockers.

If this is the case, there are a few things you are going to want to do. One of which starts by reading ‘Communicating Like a Boss‘ and going right to the section on ‘Rapport’. Key to your success with helping someone resistance to change, is going to be your ability to build ‘Rapport’ with them (you can also check out ‘Phone Rapport‘ and you will get the general sense of building rapport).

Next you are going to want to find why they are resistant, why don’t they want to change, what is it about the outcome they don’t agree with. Keeping in mind, this is not the time to win the person over, it is the time to listen and validate with them that you have heard what they said. This is easily done by repeating back what you think they said and ensuring they agree that you understand.

Next, you want to find out what they would want to happen differently, not with the promise of changing the change, but providing them an opportunity to give their thoughts and be considered.

Finally, agree to come back to the issue one hour/day/week from this moment and talk about the outcome and to see if their position has changed and if they still want to take part in the change……..

Wait, what…….. I feel like there is something important there?

If people do not want to be a part of change, you legitimately need to consider that they may not want to work in this environment any more and that should be provided as an option with no hard feelings. Sometimes when things change, those changes impact peoples values, beliefs and reasons for working for a company. You need to be prepared that people will leave, depending on the gravity of a change.

Now, with that out of the way, what other things can you do to help overcome change resistance?

  1. Enable peer to peer bitching
    • Giving people a recourse free way to bitch and moan about a change can be very cathartic and enable them to get on board with the change (so long as it does not get in the way of their work or negatively impact customers perception of the team).
  2. Listening
    • Providing the team access to multiple mediums to be heard including: open conversations, suggestion boxes, email addresses  and any other form a person might like to use to communicate in their own unique way.
    • Keep in mind, it is highly likely that the change is happening, regardless of what team members might think or say. With this in mind, spend lots and lots of time listening and very little time trying to convince people it is the right thing for them and that they should get on board.
  3. Defining your place in the new world
    • The ultimate reason people resist change is that they don’t understand their place in the new world order. If you want to help people get past their issue with change, you need to clearly spell out how they will be a part of the business going forward and that they are valuable to the success of the team going forward.
    • When doing this, make sure it is not a group email out, to get the best results talk with people one on one to communicate this.

If you have done all of this and there are still issues, it is time to move onto the next change topic, steps to take when a person doesn’t want to change.

Rock and Roll

Rob

P.S. What’s the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

 

Change; what’s the rub?

If you cannot answer the question, “whats the rub”, then you don’t know your customer, your staff, or how the change is going to impact your business.

One of the most key things to your success is understanding exactly how your change will impact your team and your customers. It will require you to put your self in others shoes to get a sense of how they will take the change. By putting your self in someone else’s shoes, you will be able to have more empathy for the impact it will have on them.

One activity I have done multiple times to get other people perspectives on a situation, is an activity called ‘Perceptual Positions‘. The short version of this activity is to do the following:

“We are changing X and it will impact everyone in Y way”

  1. Looking at this from your own perspective, what is the impact and issues you will experience?
  2. Looking at this from members of staff and/or customers perspectives, what is the impact and issues they will experience (as if you were them)?
  3. Looking at this from an outside observers perspective, what is the impact and issues you can see everyone experiencing (as if you were the observer, observing the change happening to others)?

If you can imagine your self through this exercise, you should end up with a good list, from multiple perspectives, on the issues and challenges associated with implementing a change.

Check out the ‘Perceptual Positions‘ activity for more details on how to be successful with this activity.

Rock and Roll

Rob

P.S. What’s the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

 

Change; a possible mindset

“Ultimately I don’t care how we get there, I support the outcome”

If your team knows the outcome of a change and they all agree they want to get there, how hard the change is or how it is executed can be pushed past if people can get their minds to ‘I support the outcome’.

So the question you need to answer is, what is the big picture? What is the outcome?

The short version of my blog on Goal Setting and Outcomes is:

  1. State in the positive exactly what you want
  2. Ensure it is focused towards what you want

If you can answer these two things, and your team wants what you state, then the mindset of “Ultimately I don’t care how we get there, I support the outcome” just might be in reach for you and your team.

Rock and Roll

Rob

P.S. What’s the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

 

 

 

 

Change; towards and away?

So if you know the 4matt of the change you are implementing, the next thing you want to be able to answer is what you are moving towards and what you are moving away from.

This comes right out of NLP ‘Meta Programs‘. Among other things, people will either be ‘towards’ focused or ‘away from’ focused. What this means is, some people are more motivated by what they are getting away from and others are more motivate by what they are moving towards.

An example of each might be:

Towards

When I go to the gym, I am thinking about how good it will be when I am stronger, fitter, leaner and really, really healthy.

A person that is thinking like this is focused on the destination, what they are aiming for, where they are headed, they are focused on what they are moving ‘towards’.

Away From

I go to the gym because I don’t want to be weak and unhealthy anymore, I keep going so wont be fat when I am older.

A person that is thinking like this is focused on where they are coming from, what they are trying to get ‘away from’. They are interested in getting away from something.

Depending who you talk to, each is the right way of thinking about it. For you, as a person responsible for implementing change, you want to be clear on both. This will mean you can clearly communicate what you are moving away from and towards, when describing change.

For example:

The reason for X change, is so that we can get away from people hurting them selves in the storage room, and move towards a healthier and safer work place.

So in short, you want to know what you are getting away from and moving towards, as a result of the change you are implementing.

Rock and Roll

Rob

PS. What’s the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

 

 

 

 

4Matt of Change

If you are responsible for implementing change at work, regardless of scale, there are four key things you need to be able to answer for the people affected by change.

  1. Why is the change happening
  2. What is the change
  3. How will the change be implemented
  4. What are the potential rub points (what if)

1. Why

There are people in this world that like to know the why! They ask questions like”why do we need to change”, or say things like “yeah, but why”. The why person needs the why up front, if you don’t mention why the change is happening and you go right into how you want them to change, it is entirely probable that they will not even hear you, until they know why.

2. What

The what person is looking for the evidence, the details, the background and any other information that describes what is changing and how that decision has been made. Though they may not overly focus on the why, they will not listen to how the change will happen, if they believe you have not sufficiently described what is changing and the background behind it.

3. How

The how person is the one waiting to be told how to implement the change. What do they need to do, what action do they need to take. They mostly don’t care about the why and the what, they are waiting for the how. 

4. What if

The what if person is thinking about all the things that could go wrong, they are thinking about the other ways you could implement the change, they are thinking about how it could be done better. The what if person wants an opportunity to talk about all of those things and will be able to point out where there could be issues. The what if person may show some interest in the why, what and how, but to keep them on board you will need to give them a chance to be heard.

What does all of this mean? When thinking about implementing a change you will want to be able to answer the why, what, how and what if. Then, when it’s time to as people to change you have the perfect template to communicate with.

You might say something like the following if you were responsible for changing how staff are rostered:

“There are changes happening to the roster. 

The reason why this change is happening is to provide an opportunity for new team members to work at busy times for the store.

What has has happened in the past is new members have been rostered on in the quiet periods, providing time for training, but not exposing them to enough customers. As a result, the area manager and my self decided to change the roster to have one experiences member on, on Saturdays, with two new team members. 

How this will work for the next few months is, I will need all experienced members to give up two Saturday’s per month. These shifts will go to the new team members. 

What’s the rub? For the next few months some team members will miss out on Saturday shifts. To try and bridge the loss in pay, we would like to offer an extra hour of work for each team member that has given up a Saturday shift. Though this won’t cover the losses time, we hope the shortening in training times will have an overall improvement to the team. Once training is complete, we plan to return back to the standard rostering process.

Are there any questions or issues people would like to raise?”

Though this example is highly specific to a retail scenario, the theme of what, what, how and what if should be clear.

If you have any questions on how to come up with your own 4matt of change, comment below or join in on the conversation in the Facebook group ‘PDBOK‘.

Rock and Roll

Rob

P.S. What’s the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

Just Do Your Job

It’s not a total joke….

If you have no grand designs of being an entrepreneur, if you enjoy your work and simply want to clime the corporate ladder, if you like working for the government and simply want to work your 40 hours per week, then this book is for you. 

‘Just Do Your Job’

What it takes to stand out in the workforce is simple, just do your job. Be clear on your role, what you are responsible for and what is expected from you. 

A good trick is to go for coffee with your boss and ask the following questions:

“What is important to you”

“What do you need from me”

“Is there anything I could do that would be a deal breaker”

What you will get from this conversation is a bit of insight into what is important to your boss and a map on how best to meet there needs, which will make their job easier and yours. 

Rock and Roll 

Rob

P.S. What’s the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

Quick Start Topic 1-6

Below are the first 6 ‘Quick Start Topics’ from my first book Communicating Like A Boss, I thought I would give you a bit of a feel for what the book is about.

I hope you like what you read, if so, check out the full book….

Quick Start Topic #1: Define Your Focus

Before you go any further into this program, you need to get clear on what you want out of it.

The life wheel below will help you identify which part of you life you should focus on. The outside of the week represents ‘Perfect’, no action required, you are so happy with it, and nothing needs to change. The centre of the wheel represents dissatisfaction, issues, and need’s attention, and not happy at all. For each area of life mark between 10 (perfect) & 1 (needs attention), or where ever in between, until you have completed the circle.


Once you have done that, connect the dots, between each area, giving you your wheel of life.

Now that you have completed your wheel, it should be obvious, which area you should focus on, the area with the lowest score (closest to the centre). This is the area of your life, you should be using this program to focus on

Quick Start Topic #2: Set Your Goals for this Program

You should now have the area of your life that you will be focusing on, if you don’t, go back and complete Quick Start Topic #1.

I want you to get the most out of this program, so starting it with the end in mind is important. Having goals set from the beginning, will help ensure your success.

It has been said that our mindset will influence the outcome of our endeavours, so if you start this program with ‘we will see’ expectations, you will get ‘we will see’ results.

So it is time for you to set your goal for this program, it should be a massive outcome, life changing outcome, something so big, that if you got it, it would make this the most valuable program you have ever completed.

So write out now, what you are going to get from completing this program, how is your life going to change for the better, what new skills you will have, what new position will you be in, what new opportunities will you have.

As you write out your goals for this program, consider checking the goal for the following:

  • Is your goal written in the positive
  • Have you focused on what you want, not on what you don’t want
  • Include, how you will know you have gotten what you want
  • What will you now have, as a result of getting your goal
  • Write it, as if it has already happened, as if you already have what you want
  • Include language that relates to you taking action, each day, to get what you want

Once your goal has been written, make sure it is some where you can read over it, if you are loosing motivation. Tell people about what you are doing, and what your goals are, so you become accountable to your word, and to them.

You might also choose to share your goal in the closed Facebook group, so you can get support along the way.

Once you have completed writing out your goals, start the next Quick Start Topic: Physiology and psychology of Success. This is your first ‘concept’ to wrap your mind around.

Quick Start Topic #3: Physiology and Psychology of Success

One of the quickest ways to experience success is to ‘act as if’ you have the success you desire, right now. This strategy is all about mindset, it is about your behaviour, it is about ‘pretending’ you have what you want, right now.

Starting with your physiology, right now, for today, and every day after, you need to stand, walk and carrier your self as if you are at #10 on the life wheel.

This means standing with confidence, walking with confidence, talking with confidence, pretending you are confident, pretending you have the job already, pretending you are the next in line for promotion, and that you deserve what it is you want.

This process can be a bit of a ‘leap of faith’ style for some, but the results will be measurable, and like affirmations, your physiology of success will start to shift you mindset, it will shift you into believing it is true.

The second part to this is your psychology, this means thinking about your goal, writing out the positive things you want, focusing on the belief that you can do this, you do deserve it, you are going to get it, you are on the way to success, that you are successful. You should be focusing on what you do want, not on what you don’t want, your self talk should be on positive things, not negative.

If need be, this is where you might like to write out the things you say to your self, reading through that self talk, and eliminating anything that is negative, and replacing it with positive self talk.

So your activity for today is to walk tall, speak with confidence, believe in your self, and act as if you have already got your goal.

Have fun, ask for help if you need it, but most of all play at 100%, then the only option will be success.

Quick Start Topic #4: Cause & Effect

The second ‘concept’ I would like to introduce you to the idea of cause and effect.

This is a simple equation, represented by, C>E.

As you travel along the personal development path, you may find your self researching or reading about successful people. One of the things I am sure you will discover is, the positive mind set of the successful, and you are also going to find out that they spend most of their time ‘at cause’ of their situation. They take responsibility for what happens in their life, weather it is true or not, as it gives them the choice to change it, if they created it.

All of us spend time on both sides of the equation, but the goal should be to spend as much time as possible on the cause side of the equation.

 

Have a read through the following statements, to get a good idea of what the difference is between cause and effect thinking:

  • My manager is the reason I don’t get a promotion
  • The global financial crisis is the reason I have not succeeded in business
  • I can’t be fit because of a sport injury from 10 years ago
  • I am the reason I got fired, I was lazy and unfocused
  • I did not get the job I applied for, I need to develop my skill set so I am more employable
  • I missed the game winning goal, I will train harder in the pre-season

Spend some time thinking about people you talk to in your spear of influence, think of the posts on Facebook, the comments people make at work. How many of them are at effect, or at cause?

People that are at effect are the people complaining about their situation, they will give you all the best reasons and excuses, why they cannot have what they want.

In contrast to a person that is at cause will take responsibility for everything that happens to them, they believe they create their situation, and they chose what has happened to them. 

 

So consider this, are you at effect? If so, ask your self, how did I choose this, how did I create this? Start the transition to cause of your situation, as once you truly do this, you will then have the option to un-choose it, to un-decide it.

Make a list now of all the things you have been at effect of, and what you are now going to do to take control of them, and be at cause of.

Quick Start Topic #5: Perception is Projection

This is the second last quick start topic, and it is another concept you can use to identify your weaknesses and strengths.

There is a very quick way to discover your strengths and weaknesses; however it will require another leap of fait, some behavioural flexibility, and an open mind.

Take out your pen and paper, and get ready to write out two lists. List one will be a list of characteristics, behaviours, and ideas that people you know have, that you disagree with. Things in people you know that you don’t like, things that people do that bug you, all the things they do, that you think are wrong.

Once you have completed this list, do the some for people you do like. Write out the best traits of your closest friends, your best manager, and the greatest people you know.

What you will be left with is two very different lists, lots bad, and I am guessing, a few less good things.

The concept of perception is projections, is that we project our ideas, beliefs, and behaviours onto others. We ‘project’ what we like and dislike about ourselves onto others.

Now if you completed the quick start topic of C>E, I hope you can continue being at cause for this next question.

Pretend perception is projection is true, look over your two lists as if it is about you, and what you now have are all your strengths and weakness. What you can choose to do with this list is to continue to build on your strengths, and work on any weaknesses you really want to improve.

Personally, I don’t always like the results of this activity, as it can be very confronting, hard to believe, and total bullshit, because ‘I am not like that’ thinking comes up.

If you do take a moment to think back on your life, I am sure you will be able to find you have done the things you like and dislike, to varying levels.

Quick Start Topic #6: Communication Behaviour Model

This is the final concept I will ask you to consider, it is the communication and behaviour model, taught in NLP. It is designed to show you how communication is occurring, what is happening when you are talking to people, and when you are listening to people.

When we are having a conversation, or some other event out side of us happens, we create an internal representation of what we have seen or heard.

Our perspective of what happened is processed through our internal filters, which will create an emotional state; this emotional state will affect our physiology and behaviour.

I want you to realise that we are in control of how we process this information coming in; we are capable of changing our states.

We take information in, in the form of sounds, pictures, self talk and feelings, our 5 senses are process everything that we experience in the following way:


Auditory – voices or sounds – externally or heard internally (self talk)
Gustatory – flavours and tastes
Kinaesthetic – touch, sensation and emotions
Olfactory – scents and smells
Visual – vision and envision – what we see externally and what we picture in our minds

Along with our senses, we also process information with our internal filters. These are comprised of language, values, beliefs, decisions, and memories.

Language – words we hear are processed into pictures
Values and beliefs – how we judge actions as right or wrong and what we decide is true
Decisions – what we choose to believe and choices we have made
Memories – experiences we have had from the past

Based of all of these things, our minds will delete, distort, and generalise what we see and hear, moulding it to what we think we have seen or heard. This is why several people can witness one event, yet each person can have a different account of what actually happened.

Delete – the reason we delete information that comes in is, if we had to recall every detail of everything we ever saw, heard, tasted, touched and smelled we could go insane.  Our brain filters for what is important and deletes extraneous information.
Distort – we place meaning on things that happen around us, even if it is not related, to try and make sense of what is happening. For example, thinking someone is angry because they have crossed their arms, when in fact they are just cold.
Generalise – we assign past experienced outcomes to future experiences, which can work well when learning, it can also work against us as it can create assumptions and stereo-types.

What I want you to get out of this is, that communication is complex, people are complex, and if you feel like you have not been heard, or something is not going the way you expect, if you are not getting your message across, it is because we are complex. It is that simple! If you want to understand more about these complexities, what to look for, more about values, beliefs, and how to change them, get in touch with me, and I can introduce you to some of the other programs I run.

For now, know that people are different, if communication does not go your way that’s ok.

Rock and Roll

Rob

PS. What’s the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

Meta Progams 

You might have figured this one out by now, there are about 20 odd posts on meta program. But in case it has been missed, here is the meta programs elicitation and fulfilment in full.

META PROGRAM ELICITATION

“Would it be ok if I asked you some questions in order to best serve you? Some of these questions may seem a little strange. When I’m asking these questions, I’m looking for how you think, rather than what you think; so if I hear what I’m listening for, I may cut you off and move on to the next question.”
MOTIVATION FILTER
“What is important to you in a car?”
“What are you looking for in a career?”
Towards motivated

Toward with a little away

Both toward and away equally

Away with a little toward

Away from motivated

ORIENTATION FILTER
“Why are you choosing to do what you’re doing in (this situation/career/relationship)?”
Possibility

Necessity

Both

SUCCESS ORIENTATION FILTER
“How do you know when you’re doing/have done a good job? What or who lets you know?”
Internal

External

Internal with external check

External with internal check

DECISION-MAKING FILTER
“What do you need in order to make a decision about a proposal?”
“How often does a co-worker have to demonstrate competence to you before you are convinced?”
See

Hear

Read

Do

CONVINCER FILTER
“How many options do you need to consider before you can make a choice?”
“How often does a co-worker have to demonstrate competence to you before you are convinced?”
Decide automatically

Consider several options a number of times

Need a period of time

Need to be consistently convinced over time

LEADERSHIP FILTER
“Do you know what you need to do to improve your performance, or your co-workers work? Could you easily tell them what to do?”
Self only

Self and others

Others only

Self but not others

ENERGY DIRECTION FILTER
“When you come into a new situation, do you usually take action immediately, or conduct a detailed study of the consequences before acting?”
Active

Reflective

Both

Inactive

PERFORMANCE FILTER
“Tell me about a specific incident at work in which you were the happiest.”
“Where do you perform the best-when you’re working solo, as a part of a team, or when you are leading a team?”
Independent player

Team player

Management player

WORK SATISFACTION FILTER
“What do you enjoy the most about your job?”
Things

Systems

People

PREFERRED INTREST FILTER
“Tell me about your favourite restaurant. Why is it your favourite?”
People

Places

Things

Activities

Information

ABSTRACTION/SPECIFIC FILTER
“If we were going to do a project together, would you want to know all the details first or the big picture first? Would you really need to know the big picture? Or the details?” OR “What are your future goals?”
specific

abstract

specific to abstract

abstract to specific

COMPARISON FILTER
“What is the relationship between these three coins?”
“What is the relationship between what you’re doing now and what you were doing this time last year?”
“When you come into a new job or situation, do you usually notice the similarities or differences to another job or situation first?”
sameness only

sameness with exceptions

sameness with differences equally

differences with similarities

differences only

CHALLENGE RESPONSE FILTER
“Tell me about a work situation that gave you trouble. How did you respond to it?”
Thinking

Feeling

Choice

TIME AWARENESS FILTER
“Do you have a planner? Or do you prefer to live in the moment and take each day as it comes?”
In Time

Through Time

MODAL OPERATOR SEQUENCE
“What was the last thing you said to yourself before you got up this morning?”
INFORMATION PROCESSING FILTER
“If you had to make a decision, would you prefer to think it through, or talk to others about it before making a decision?”
Internal

External

LISTERNING FILTER
“If someone said I’m tired, would you find that interesting, or feel compelled to do something about it?”
Literal

Inferential

SPEAKING FILTER
“If you had to communicate a point to someone would you tell them directly or would you imply it so they draw their own conclusions?”
Literal

Inferential

FOCUS AWARENESS FILTER
Observe whether, during the interview, the person focused on self, others or both equally.
Self

Others

Both

META PROGRAM FULFILMENT
“Once you have elicited someone’s Meta Programs conversationally, whether from a co-worker, partner or prospective employee, you can then fulfil them by communicating with them within their perspective, address a behaviour, or lead, manage and motivate them towards a grander vision. The following are examples of statements that would be particularly persuasive when spoken to someone operating with those particular Meta Programs.”
MOTIVATION FILTER
Toward “Here are our goals and objectives…”
Toward with some away “Here are our goals…here’s what we want to avoid…”
Both toward and away “Here are our goals…and just as importantly, what we want to avoid is…”
Away with toward “Here’s what we want to avoid…This will reduce our risk of potential problems and liabilities.”
Away from motivated “Here’s what we want to avoid…This will reduce our risk of potential problems and liabilities.”
ORIENTATION FILTER
Possibility “Consider the possibilities in this project…we really can do this.”
Necessity “Consider the obligations we have…we really have to do this.”
Both “As you consider the possibilities of this project, also consider the obligations we have…we need to…and we can.”
SUCCESS ORIENTATION FILTER
Internal “I can’t convince you of anything. Only you know for sure.”
External “Consider what others in this project think.”
Balanced “As you check in with yourself and consider what others think…”
Internal with external check “As you check inside you will know that the evidence confirms…”
DECISION-MAKING FILTER
“What do you need in order to make a decision about a proposal?”
“How often does a co-worker have to demonstrate competence to you before you are convinced?”
See

Hear

Read

Do

CONVINCER FILTER
Automatically “There is no need for convincing. You know what’s right…”
Or “Here is the option that makes the most sense…”
Number of times “Here are a number of options…I’m sure you will find one of them right for you.”
Period of time (Call the person in a fraction of their convincer time period and suggest it’s been longer:
“I’ve been so busy since the last time we talked, it almost seems like (total period). Now it’s time to…”
Consistently “I know you will never be completely convinced, and that’s the reason why you’ll just have to experience this to really know it’s right for you…”
LEADERSHIP FILTER
Self “You know that your efforts on this project are most important, and that’s why we need you input with the other team members…”
Self and Others “You know what you need to do and let the others know too…”
Self but not Others “Who are we to tell them what to do? But just as you know exactly what you have to do…”
Others only “You’ve had all the time to think it through so it’s time to act now…“
ENERGY DIRECTION FILTER
Active “Let’s go and do this project…there’s no need to wait.”
Reflective “As you consider this project, it’s all the time you need to start on it…”
Both “You’ve had all the time to think it through so it’s time to act now…”
PERFORMANCE FILTER
Independent “You are already excellent at performing on your own…that’s why it’s important to focus on the teamwork and work together…”
Team Player “I know you want a team to support you and right now you need to…”
Management “I realise you’re a take charge kind of person and in this situation…”
WORK SATISFACTION FILTER
People “Let me tell you about the people who will be working on this project…”
Things “Let me tell you exactly what kinds of things we’ll be dealing with.. and I want you to be hands on…”
Systems “Here is how the system works…”
PREFERRED INTREST FILTER
People “Let me tell you who you’ll be working with on this project…”
Places “I’ll tell you exactly where we’ll be working on this…”
Things “Here’s what we’ll be working with here…”
Activities “Let me tell you how this will work and what you’ll be doing…”
Information “Here’s what you’ll need to know… and why…”
ABSTRACTION/SPECIFIC FILTER
Specific “Here are the details I know you want…”
Abstract “Let me give you the big picture…here’s the overall idea…”
Specific to Abstract “Here are some details…you can get the idea from here…”
Abstract to specific “Here’s the whole idea…and here’s how we’re going to do it…”
COMPARISON FILTER
Sameness only “It’s the same thing as…same as you’ve been doing…”
Sameness with exceptions “As you consider what I’ve said you’ll realize it’s the same as…then see what’s different is…and that’s why you’ll want to…”
Differences with similarities “I don’t know if you’ll believe this or not…”
Differences only “You probably won’t believe this…it’s so different from anything we’ve done…”
CHALLENGE RESPONSE FILTER
Thinking “As you consider the situation, you’ll realise how you need to feel…”
Feeling “I know this situation upsets you and you feel strongly about…but…”
Choice “You can decide how you want to respond to…”
TIME AWARENESS FILTER
In Time “Since we are apt to loose track of time here…let’s stick to the schedule here keeping our options open and moving forward as planned…”
Through Time “As you are aware, time is of the essence…let’s take this step by step and keep on track…”
INFORMATION PROCESSING FILTER
“If you had to make a decision, would you prefer to think it through, or talk to others about it before making a decision?”
Internal

External

LISTERNING FILTER
“If someone said I’m tired, would you find that interesting, or feel compelled to do something about it?”
Literal

Inferential

SPEAKING FILTER
“If you had to communicate a point to someone would you tell them directly or would you imply it so they draw their own conclusions?”
Literal

Inferential

FOCUS AWARENESS FILTER
Self “This concerns you in many ways…and we need to think outside the box to see what’s good for everyone involved…”

Others “Since I know you’re concerned for everyone’s well-being…”

Rock and Roll

Rob

PS. What’s the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

What to Consider when you Decide you want to be Hypnotised

If you decide you want to be hypnotised you should make sure you can agree to the following, they are the key criteria that should exist between you and your hypnotist.

1. You must consent / agree to be hypnotised.

2. There must be good communication between you and your hypnotist.

3. Make sure you are in a safe and secure environment.

4. There must be trust between you and your hypnotist.

You should always expect your hypnotist to use positive language in order to properly order and sequence your internal representations you create, in the hypnotic state.

Your hypnotist may use metaphors which are single level or multiple levels (like inception) deep. For example you might be asked to….. 

Imagine walking into the control room of a building (which could represents the body). This type of representation can be quite useful for creating a space to manipulate ‘the controls’ of your mind (just like in ‘inside out’), especially useful in weight loss, self-esteem issues and other issues. Using the control room to ‘reset the system’.

This does not have to be a control room, it could be a beautiful mansion you have seen on grand designs, or a castle you have seen on escape to the country. 

It was once suggested to me that using a old castle can be useful in smoking cessation, they hypnotist will start the induction, have the soon to be ex-smoker go through a couple of steps. One of which is to clean the castle.

Of course there is a bit more to it, but I think you get the gist.

Another method your hypnotist can use is direct suggestion which generally starts with the question ‘what do you need to know or do in order to achieve your outcome’, then she will tell you to do it at the deepest point of your trance experience.

Most hypnotists also use the rule of 3, is the magic number for suggestions in a trance. Your hypnotist will want to offer your unconscious 3 major suggestions 3 times in 3 different ways, this improves the chance of the suggestion sticking and to set deeper in at the unconscious level (I am telling you, Inception is worth watching again). Keep in mind they will make sure to say the suggestion differently so as to make it less OBVIOUS to your conscious mind while in trance.

So an example of direct suggestion if you were seeing a hypnotist for your fear of cold-calling might be to offer you a suggestions such as…..

“You like to talk to others and they like to talk to you. You have a genuine feeling of joy when you think of connecting with those people you will help with your product or service. You confidently expect them to be waiting for your calls … you enjoy connecting with your prospects on the phone. Every day prior to making calls, you imagine people wanting to talk to you on the other end of the line. You wake up

in the morning excited to make new contacts, because you are imagining them anxious to speak with you. You know that there are many people out there enthusiastically waiting for your calls and you are looking forward to contacting them … “

Another approach your hypnotist might take is to install strategies with your own triggers. This can be done with associated state rehearsal or dissociated state rehearsal. Remember once again that the number 3 is the magic number in terms of really sinking a new strategy in at the unconscious level.

A example of installing strategies with your own triggers for improving performance in a sports player might be…..

“Imagine yourself walking on to the court (trigger) and the moment your feet hit the sand, you stop take a deep breath and feel a strong sense of calmness and purpose surge through your body You feel this feeling of calmness and purpose in every cell of your being as soon as you step onto the sand.

The moment you step onto the sand you will feel a calm sense of calmness and purpose realising now that you are focused only on the game. “OR” Imagine yourself now … standing behind the line, ready to serve the ball. And you stop … bounce it once (trigger) and immediately go into an extremely focused state. You picture the ball hitting with speed and accuracy exactly where you want it to hit. You serve the ball and it speeds to the exact location you imagined.”

End Result Imagery can be extremely effective as a motivator for change, to re-work the neurology and to set a new direction. Often a hypnotist will come up with your end result imagery when they do the initial detailed personal history with you (when designing your intervention).

example question you might be asked is “How will your life improve when you get your outcome?”.

Your hypnotist wants to help you paint a very clear picture of what you want your life will look like once they’ve made the change. You want to make sure your exact words are written down so that they can be used in an induction. The more details you write down, the more you will be able to weave wondrous end-result imagery while you are in trance. Make sure you write down specific behavioural things you will be doing, once they’ve attained your goals. Then in trance you can imagine these end-result imagery fully associated during the trance work, which is very compelling!

Rock and Roll

Rob

PS. What’s the one thing you don’t do, that would cause the most positive change in your life?

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